Lists

I have in the past couple of days run across a few must have lists for prospective mates. I have always felt such lists to be at the kindest inappropriate. The only real reason for getting married should be you want to. Both of you want too. If it is only one putting pressure on the other I don't see it working. Unless of course there is some very ulterior motive and it is a sham of sort to begin with.

The only person who should be keeping a list is Santa Claus. I have also heard a nasty rumor that he pays for all those toys he delivers by selling copies of his Naughty Girl list on the Web.

Here is a piece of trivia I found that may amaze all but those from cultures where it is common. This is a Canadian statistic and the later group applies mainly to immigrants however it large enough group for the sample to be valid. The divorce rate for self arranged marriages and that for pre-arranged marriages ( ie parents etc arranged it ) is exactly the same percentage wise.

Which kind of re-enforces the idea that it is after you are married that you really get to know your spouse.

The Best Thing About Girl Watching

I Promised that today I would write feminine beauty. Probably a good thing since I don’t think masculine beauty exists. At least I can’t see it. I don’t get the gay thing and let it go at I can’t get it. I can understand being fed up with women as we can’t seem to think like them no matter what. If there is a woman trapped inside my body then she’s a lesbian. However I digress.

The best thing about girl watching is the older you get the bigger the catalogue of watch worthy girls gets. From roughly the age you started watching to roughly a decade over your current age. There is a lot to be said that 26 is no longer over your upper limit. Also beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Guy’s tastes vary from Guy to Guy at one extreme you have the very narrow impossible guys who will argue no based on the she looks nothing like a 3 pound supermodel to the other impossible extreme who argue are you kidding she’s got a pulse, I think. I also hear there is group that prefers no pulse. I think this group was once married and sex was the only time she wasn’t moving or chewing him out.

To prevent an increase in this last group ladies please be aware that “Yes, Dear does not mean Yes or Dear normally. It may mean I don’t want you mad at me so I am pretending to be following what your saying but have been tuned out for awhile now. Or and this is an important difference it may mean You Are Scaring Me.

I can’t give real advice on how to tell but if he is listening and Yes Dearing it is probably the last one. Perhaps body language will give us away. Just consider it a way to watch for an early warning sign that you may be driving him away. Not what this article is about but a good thing to know and my female friends are often commenting when they didn’t know something about men that men think everyone knows.

So beauty. Two kinds the kind that you see more clearly over time the good kind and first impressions. Every guy is different in what he sees first. We have leg men ( me to some extent ) Chest men ( I think most guys to varying degrees ) Hair men, face men and then action men ( no ladies I don’t mean who only act if they think they can get some action, that is second reaction at worst ). What I mean by that is for myself manners is usually the first thing I notice. I kind of like that because they never sag or wrinkle. Ben Franklin used to advise being a legman because he claimed they were the last to go.

So basically there are no women who are not beautiful just all of you in a different way. So next you will want to know how to show men that beauty. First men are dense and generally we don’t hide it. So I will make this clear. WE DON’T GET SUBTLE HINTS.
Sorry for the caps but it is to make the point. Don’t think we know you are interested unless you actually come out and put into words of at least. “You know I could get interested in you” that is about as shaded as we can understand. Letting a guy know you are interested will at the very least get his attention. Since we are all to some extent vain he will also get the possibly mistaken idea you have good taste since you like him. Don’t bother to correct this misimpression.
Myself and many guys like to find that there are mutual interests or background. Don’t pretend to know what you don’t but learning if you really are interested won’t hurt. For me now ( and things change over time ) a pulse of course, Manners and Brains are the big 3. Other than that how you carry yourself and see yourself.

One more thing even if he is looking you in the eye don’t expect him to know the colour even if he is looking in them. He is looking deeper than the colour in that case.

Air Conditioning

I was going to make this a long post on why air conditioning is a need for Canadians here. After all we aren't really used to the heat of summer it doesn't last more than a couple of months and most Males here probably signed their name the first time by peeing it in the snow.

I should comment I am writing a bit less I have the onset of carpal tunnel and am being careful not to aggravate it.

Gender Challenged

I think I’m gender challenged. Not in the omg I may be gay type but the grew up in a house full of males my mother and grandmother both had only brothers so I have no clue how the opposite sex thinks. This may not be limited to boys only families but from my experience we are a bit dumber. ( if such a thing is possible )

Today I was out with my brother and his daughter who is 1st year of high school and she while my brother was bringing the food we had ordered said “Daddy is a slut” my reply was “Sarah, I’m his oldest brother. I already knew that.”

Something tells me if I had been an aunt Sydney instead of Uncle Sidney she would have gotten a different answer. On the other hand I gave her an honest answer.

She’s lucky she didn’t know him in his wilder days. I mean I could write some of this stuff for Hollywood and no one would believe it.

Perhaps I will write guess how much of this is fiction article and then tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No one would believe a word of it.

Okay here goes guess what of the following is not true.

He is back living at home while he goes to college the first time after a few years in the work force. ( like the rest of us he has been to college 3 times or more, and finished ). He brings home this girl and soon after we hear bedsprings creaking and the headboard banging against the wall. ( I was visiting my Mom & Stepdad ) Some friends my Mom has known since I was an infant drop by to visit. A few minutes there is a repeat. After a while a pause & repeat. Then it stops and we hear the bath running. This followed by giggling water splashing glasses tinkling and then another creaking and banging session. As Mom’s friends are getting ready to leave they come down the stairs. Mom says aren’t you going to introduce your friend.

He say’s “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be rude. This is my Mother Eleanor my Stepfather George, my brother Sid and these are family friends Fred and Marion Alpine. “ Then he turns to her and says. “What is your name anyway” She introduces herself they head out the door. My Mom and Mrs Alpine have time to pick their chins off the floor and My Stepdad, Fred & I get chewed out for laughing our heads off.

New story he is at a strip bar with a bunch of buddies and our youngest brother (who is in his early 20’s at this time ). Now he is a good looking guy today he looks exactly like Jan Micheal Vincent did when he made AirWolf. A stripper is sitting in his lap and trying to say something to him. The music is very loud and she has to shout. Suddenly the music stops. ( I never did find out why, I got the story from my youngest brother and each of the friends there. All the stories matched. ) Her voice shouts out “ I want to go home with you and f*** all night” his reply he waves at the group and says “No problem. I’ve got lots of friends “. Worst thing is she did go home with him ( just him ).
New Story. On Ground Hog day ( Feb 2 ) he along with my other brothers decide to go Ground Hog Hunting. One brother takes his new shotgun, and he lends the youngest brother a luger pistol ( technically it is illegal to hunt with a pistol ). He takes his M1 semi-automatic War surplus rifle with a full 30 round clip. They see one Ground hog. The shotgun fires a split second early sending my one brother on his butt and giving him a very sore shoulder. The youngest misses with a pistol. Not surprising it takes ages to get good with one and this was his first time firing one. He forgets to take off the safety and gets a click. They head home at least the one with the shotgun gets home and the pistol is dropped off. He and the youngest head to the same strip bar as in the last story and pick up a friend on the way. The M1 and mag are behind the driver’s seat off the truck. In the bar they get in a tussel with some bikers and the bouncers break it up.

Both groups stay till closing 1 AM. At closing it turns out the bikers had come together in a car and were parked right in front of the truck. The biker’s now want to fight. As the biker’s are blustering he speaks up and say’s “ You guys have ten seconds to get out of here” the bikers start “or what” as he opens the door, gets out the M1 puts in the mag cocks it counting very fast 10, 9, 8, at seven he opens up and empties the magazine 30 bullets into the trunk of the now speeding away car.

This story isn’t over. Almost 2 weeks later it’s Valentines day. He is in a suit and taking his girlfriend to dinner. They are at a fairly nice place and he notices that some guys at a nearby table are starring at him trying to place where they know him from. He tells his girlfriend “Drink up were leaving” she “But we just got here aren’t we having dinner” “Drink up”. The penny drops they recognize him and the four of them get up and start to walk to his table. His response look at the group and put his hand inside his suit jacket James Bond reaching for his gun style while looking them down. They suddenly all put their hands out waving no it’s ok and promptly leave. He and his girl have dinner.

Now as you are trying to figure out which of these stories are true remember I may a vivid imagination when it comes to dreams. However I could not make this stuff up. They are all true. The first I was there the rest came from sources I deem reliable.

Fear & Aging

As we get older we find we may have fears we did not have in our youth.

Sometimes those fears surprise us. I find none of the things people generally talk about being part of aging I take in stride. There are some other things that the young never think of that do scare me. Certain illness for example. Not because I have read of them or they are a big deal in the media but because I seen them ravage someone close to me. I saw a lot of violent death during my life. That has never held much fear for me in fact much of my life I walked in it's shadow. Maybe I felt like David's line from the Psalm knowing no matter what I would be judged fairly. It isn't death even now but living conditions that scare me. Illness that don't kill but produce constant never ending pain. Seeing someone we looked at as almost being an unstoppable force of nature. Brought to a complete stop by another and perhaps obscure force of nature. The closer they were to us the greater the fear.

I won't list any such illness everyone probably has a few in mind which are on their own personal list. A possible prognosis of one of the items on our own list can be very frightening.

Humor seems to be effective as a shield against anything. My Dad has prostrate cancer and onset of Parkinson's. He is to darn Zen to be the Dali Lama. His I've had a good run. Neither of these will kill me overnight so maybe they will develop a cure. If not I'm 81 now they say either will take at least 10 years to kill me, no one of my ancestors lived to see 78 so I'm already ahead. Plus he stays an Active Mason and active in the Legion. The only thing I am aware of bothers him is loneliness. Something I fell at times but well over half of my adult life I have lived alone so I'm used to it. Actually over half my life period at least 2/3rds of my adult life. Maybe I'm afraid of the opposite sex. Maybe with good reason. There are of course events in my own life but looking at others of both sexes it seems more damage in general has been done via members of whichever sex is opposite to anything else.

On the other hand we are living longer, have new toys ( adults are beginning to use them as much as kids ). The world is truly smaller I know people 12 time zones away will use this and that's as far away as you can get and still be on the planet. Now you can be a world traveller without leaving your seat. In the past books let us hitch a ride today the NET lets us chose the trip for ourselves.

So I leave with this. May you grow older gracefully and enjoy the journey more than you ever dreamed possible

Test for male brain cells

okay I admit there be no such thing but in case they do try this test

You are like Male if

1. You have interpreted the words inedible, disgusting, gross, ridiculous or impossible as “I dare you”.
2. When asked “where is your Clean underwear?” the most correct answer is “I’m wearing them”
3. You have ever actually jumped off of a bridge because one your friends did.
4. You have tied a towel around your neck and jumped off the house hoping to fly.
5. You did it a second time because you figured the reason it didn’t work the first time was you forgot to say “up, up and away ‘’
6. You can be impressed by how malodiferous a fart is.
7. You then tried to top 6.
8. You honestly don’t know what colour your wife’s eyes are.
9. You aren’t even sure what colour your eyes are.
10. You have deliberately run out of gas to see where the empty mark really is.
11. You have played toilet battleship by making floating toilet paper ships and trying to pee sink them.
12. You have blown something up just to blow it up. ( Explosives not inflatable women )
13. You know that the difference between a guy flick and a chick flick is in a chick it’s about one person dying slowly and in a guy flick it’s hundreds in rapid succession.
14. Fear of lightning is your reason for avoiding church.
15. You can’t figure out why they call it instant coffee when it takes a minute.

TV Viewing

Why I Like the show Two & a Half Men

Let’s see first because when they theme song they made sure the males in the viewing audience could remember all Two & a Half Words. Which for those who may not watch are Men, Manly & ahaaaa. Even guys can remember that.

They have characters guys can relate too. Unfortunately they are also many guys figure that they are based on characters they are related to.

I have never seen what I would consider an outlandish plot. In other words so far they haven’t had a story to weird to have not been something I or one or all of my brothers and every other straight male on the planet has probably done something worse than. ( I’m not qualified to speak for other planets though lots of folks have expressed the opinion that I’m not originally from this one to begin with ).

They joke that Charlie Sheen is just playing Charlie Sheen. In fact he is being a modern everyman. Guys wish they were typically like Charlie but fell like his brother Alan most of the time ( played by Jon Cryer ). No offense Mom’s but guys never outgrow the dreaded fear of getting Mommy mad at you ( we take solace that Mom’s generally only find out about 0.0000015% of the things we do that Mom’s should get mad at us for ) .
Dad’s generally know of about 1% of the stuff we do but don’t rat us out because then they would have to admit they had done them as well.

Two of my favorite episodes had bits that were priceless by Mom. One where she has them go to a costume party. The 3 of them as flying Monkeys and her as the Wicked Witch. The other episode where a cult of Satan worshiping women have the guys terrified till their leader gets terrified by discovering Evelyn is their real life mother.

Some of the real guy moments.

They insult each other and don’t regard the insults as insults since they are true.

No matter how stupid something they have done is they know they will in time ( often seconds ) do something even dumber.

They back each other up but won’t admit that.

The dumbest ideas possible are considered not dismissed out of hand. Only sensible ideas are dismissed out of hand which isn’t stupid because if they were sensible they wouldn’t do them anyway.

They know guys will eat anything. For example in a fancy restaurant Charlie asks Jake “Ever eat snails” answer “Of course” reply “I meant in a restaurant.”.

I think I may watch a bunch of episodes and do a you might be a guy if quiz.

For example : You might be a guy if you have tried dog treats to see what they taste like then shared the rest of the box with the dog. ( if there is a kid around he wants some too so you have to split the box 3 ways. If the kid is your nephew and your brother comes home and wants to know why your feeding his kid dog treats it ends up 4 ways. Depending on brand some of them aren’t all that bad.

If Only Reality

If I keep having weird Dreams I can stop renting DVD's and save a small fortune. As Odette mentioned I had been unable to sleep due to a medication side effect. Wrist pain. Normally I can deal very well with pain but I don't even think this pain was really there. I have a Doctor's appointment in the morning so hopefully a working change is in order.

Doctor's can be very insensitive to pain. I had an ER Doctor say I couldn't have Kidney stones because I had walked in an stated the pain level as a 7 on scale of 10. I told him " My 10 was spinal meningitis, 9 was a spinal tap and 8 is fourth day of a migraine." Then I lifted my shirt to show a scar on my left abdomen. " That was a stabbing, it was a 4 ". My own Doc was also my best friend at the time and he got a laugh out of the other Doctors description of my pain tolerance. They did give me a shot of demerol and I spent the next few hours telling my Daughter that if I could " Fart " the pain would go away and I would be fine. Took all of the poor girls self control not to laugh at me. I have to credit her she didn't. The hardest pain I ever had to deal with was when SHE had her tonsils out ( can't take codine ).

Back to Dreams, Last night's stars were Evil Dracula vs Bart ( Van Helsing ) Simpson. Poor Count didn't have a chance and the fight would have taken much less time if Van Helsing's Monk inventor partner's invented things that work they way they were supposed to. ( Homer as a Monk there's another one for dreams ). In case any of you ever do run into a Vampire I will save one of Homer's mistakes. The bubbles in Beer do not qualify it as Hole ee water. In the end the Dire Count was defeated when trapped by The Sun having risen at the end of the Alley the Italian Chef's garlic fueled breath as he closed shop. And Van Bartling on the Roof armed with a Cross bow with Silver tipped wooden arrows dipped in water blessed by Saint Lisa. He could of gotten away if not for his compulsion to stop to count everything. ( Too much seseeme street as a child ).

If I could find a way to put these dreams into a pill for mass market I would be rich. Except for the darn side effects.

Don't Eat & Sleep leads to Side Effects

I just closed my eyes for a sec about 5 after 1 and it's 7 now so I was out like a light for six hours. Boy can afternoon naps produce odd dreams. During this nap I dreamed that Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty and My self ( don't ask me what I was doing there ) were mass producing crummy oil paintings for astronomical sums on some private asteroid with a huge fancy hotel. Scotty and Sulu were replicating ancient dust with appropriate atmospheric amounts of animal urine and feces in the dust to produce coverings for fake bottles of the first ever bottle of Scotch Whiskey which they were selling thousands of for amounts that could buy whole planets and Gagnon and Friday from the old TV show Dragnet had been cloned to solved the mystery of a car crash involving the bodies of people who no one had any idea who they were and it had happened years before and turned out that some descendant of George W Bush was trying to find ways to dispose of mass quantities of frozen George Bush and George W Bush sperm legally without getting in trouble for destroying it.

The best thing about dreams is they seem perfectly sensible while you are having them. This one could have kept getting just weirder till I woke up because I used a several thousand year old bathroom in the long lost pentagon and all the thousands of years of BS got re-hydrated and I was so forcefully propelled out of the place by the rapidly expanding BS that the explosion woke me up.

I think you definitely need to forward this If Laughter is the best medicine this dream could raise the dead and generate a sequel. ( I think the real reason I woke up was the need to pee. Thousand year old Pentagon BS to pee on was just a bonus )

Hope you day has been as interesting but not as strange as my dream.

Ttyl

Sid

Eulogy ?

A friend mentioned a wake in her blog today.

I think everyone has wondered what would they like to have people say as they stood over your coffin looking down at your now deceased body.

He was a good man? No

He was kind to those who needed help? No

He always tried to do his best? No

He was kind to animals? No

What I want them to say is " Look! He's moving "

2 New World Records

In case this article copy is not clear I will re-type it here. I hope it inspires many.

TTC worker breaks two world records

By Irina Burtan

What began as a hobby for Subway Line Mechanic and single-leg amputee Rick Ball materialized into great success.

Ball captured his second world record last month, running 10 km in 37 minutes, 54 seconds at the Ottawa MDS Nordion race, breaking Californian C.J. Howard's previous record by six seconds.

He also finished the 42-kilometre Boston Marathon in April with a Record-Breaking time of 3:01:50, beating American Amy Palmeriro-Winters' time of 3:04. Ball says that he hit "the wall" just two kilo-metres shy of the finish line at teh 113th Boston race. Right after crossing the line, he collapsed in the first available wheelchair. When he awoke an hour later in the medical tent, he was finally able to realize his achivement of being the fastest in his class. He says running those last two kilometres was the hardest thing he has ever had to do both mentally and physically.

Ball is a below-the-knee amputee due to a 1986 motorcycle accident. he started running two years ago after joining his local YMCA to stay fit. In 2007 Ball qualified for Boston by running a time of 3:17 in the Mississauga Marathon. His Boston time improved his personal best time by 16 minutes.

On top of his regular training schedule of running 80 km a week, Ball is also a swimmer and a motivational speaker to other recovering amputees as well as school children. He has even inspired many of his TTC co-workers to keep active and try running.

With athletes such as Terry Fox as inspiration, he says his long-term goal is to qualify for the 2012 Paralympics on the Canadian relay team.

And his ambition might be very close to coming true.

His record race in Ottawa qualifies him for competitions with Team Canada. Athletics Canada has already sent him an application to be part of the Canadian Paraympics Committee, and invited him to their training camp in Windsor in July.

Ball recently celebrated two decades of working at the TTC. The TTC and local 113 are supporting and cheering for Ball if he attempts to break the three-hour mark at the Good Fitness Toronto Marathon mid October.

From under photo: Rick Ball, right, jokes that when he was young he used to run from his big brother Dale, left. Dale is a Foreperson in Plant Maintainance and the motivating factor behind Rick's Achievements

Shaking Hands with Politicians

This is the time of year for local festivals. Really they are an excuse to promote what little community spirit there is and promote tourism. They can be pretty strange. For example my town has the Mudcat festival this coming week. The town mascot is a Catfish. I guess we have an excuse as this did evolve out of a fishing derby. Now there is a small fair, a carnival and a parade. Last night they closed my street for a street movie. The film was Grease. I don't mind the noise I'm all for community spirit. In the Army I saw how good morale can work wonders and with the current economic situation here I am all for working wonders. The parade consists of the Legion, the local Cadet Corps, if we are lucky a couple pipe bands. Perhaps a few floats sponsored by local businesses and the inevitable politicans that if you shake their hands you need to count your fingers later.

Which prompted this idea I am toying with. Anyone who wishes to give their local politicans a taste or in this case smell of what they deserve are welcome to try it.
First I am going to have to catch a couple of fish and clean them putting the entrails in a plastic bucket with an airtight lid and leave it in the sun. Next I need to get a pair of surgical gloves from the local drugstore. I have them in my first aid kit anyway so if you buy a box you won't be wasting it on just a practical joke.

Anyway the idea is to plug my nose with Vicks or petroleum jelly. Put on the gloves, open the bucket and dip in my right hand. Then let it dry a bit and go glad handing with all the politicans. It's important to be near the head of the line. After others shake the offered politician's hand they may notice that there is something fishy about that guy ( or girl ). Just my contribution to the political process. Personally I'm a humanitarian. That means if a human ever decides to run for office I will consider voting for them

To quote Bugs Bunny " Ain't I a Stinker? "

The Final Funtier

With the release of the new " Star Trek " movie I promised a friend some Trek jokes. Then my computer got a virus ( probably caught it from the toaster or the microwave ) and I had to wait to post them. Spock would have never let that happen and being fairly technically literate it shouldn't have happened to me either. However that's life. I could lift my right hand open the fingers in Spock's famous V and say " Live Long and Prosper " or do it with my left pointing down and say " Die young and broke ".

My friend thinks Spocks great. Another thinks he is the best Science Officer possible. For me if I commanded a Starship while he would be my first choice for 2nd in command he would be my 2nd choice for Science Officer. That would go to the Professor from Gilligan's Island. Spock may be a wiz but can he make a TV from a couple of coconuts and bamboo. Let's face it if the Professor had the resources of the Enterprise the Borg wouldn't be a problem for more then a half hour. I don't think he would wipe them out just maroon them on some deserted Galaxy far far away where unless they learned to use the force and play nice they would be stuck forever.

My favorite line in the new movie comes from Sulu. When Kirk asks him what type of advanced combat training he has Sulu answers "Fencing". Great comeback, and while in the TV series he used a rapier in the episode where everyone lost their inhibitions. Here he uses a Japanese Katana. Something most westerners don't realize is while we use the Japanese words Kendo or Kenjutsu ( or Iaido ) the Japanese do translate these when speaking English and translate them all as Fencing. Reminds me of an old Chuck Norris interview where the interviewer asked him what the deadliest martial art was. His reply " Machine Gunning ". Honest answer. Personally I would have said Sniping.

There are of course the old jokes. Why does Kirk use the Ladies room. " He wanted to go where no man had gone before ". The gay movement has rendered that one dated.

What did Spock find when he used the head? " The Captain's Log "

Why is the Enterprise like a roll of toilet paper. " They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons "

The movie of course has some good lines. When Kirk meets McCoy and Kirk asks why a Doctor who hates flying and transporters would join starfleet. Just divorced, damn wife got the whole planet. Only thing she left me was my bones. We get the origin of the nickname.

Of course I Love Scotty. Anyone wants a Scots attitude explained in a couple of minutes should listen to Robin Williams " Scotsmen and Golf ". He hits the nail on the head.

Personally I think weather you " Live Long and Prosper " or " Die Young and Broke " is entirely dependent on how you live you life. Unless of course you have McCoy's problem. Even if you do the main thing both Star Trek and Cub Scouts teaches us is " Do Your Best "