Stags are not about Sex

Women think Stags are all about sex. Even after this article they are going to think that but I am going to reveal the secret of what they are really about. Stags are really about what dumb things the group of guys who have known him from Kindergarten, Grade School, High School, College, the Army, Navy or Air Force, his co-workers and his fellow male residents of the seniors home if he has lasted that long can come up with to embarass him. Any sexual overtones are just bait so he will show up even though he knows this horrible truth. Sometimes there are side effects and fallout that land on other than the groom. For example when I was a young boy a friend of my Mother's remarked to my Mother that she hoped her husband wouldn't spend too much money at the stag he and my Dad were attending. Puzzled my Mom asked "How could he spend too much money at a stag". She said he had told her a stag was like a tupperware party for men. After she stopped laughing and got off the floor my Mom explained what a stag was. I think Fred really did whacked on the head with a frying pan.

Guy's learn not to lie to your wives. They really are not like us. The talk to each other rather than just talk.

As most guys know it is almost customary for the groom to be to have a ball and chain attached to his ankle during the stag. Nowadays it is often a plastic however at mine there was one guest who worked with racehorses and had a real one. I learnt a bit about the history of this particular ball and chain. The week before it had been on the groom to be and he had been slipped a mickey. The plan had been to throw him into the back of a pickup truck passed out. He was then to be driven downtown to a Tattoo parlour to have the future wife's name tattooed on one buttock and Killer on the other. The Tattoo parlour was on standby.

All went well as the pickup rounded the first corner too fast and the cab occupants heard rattle, rattle, rattle band from the ball rolling around the box. At the next corner it was rattle, rattle, rattle scream. They headed for the hospital instead of the Tattoo parlour. The next groom got married missing his four front teeth and with a broken nose and two black eyes. I think the reward the Bride posted for the identification and castration of whoever was behind this is still standing. In this case there is good reason guys don't talk. If the wife had really known guys she would have known the whole list I mentioned attends stags was at fault.

At my own stag before hand I took medication to make sure I would not pass out plus an anti seasickness med. I also shaved a patch on my bare leg so bandages would not stick to the hair and placed 6 folded $50 bills under a bandage there. I also had a confederate who whenever I went to the bathroom made sure my drink was switched with a completely virgin drink of the same colour. The reason for this is at a previous stag with some of those present at mine present at it the potential Groom had awakened naked in a private compartment on a train bound from Toronto to Montreal. No wallet no cash. This stag happened a week before the wedding so the party goers where safe from the wrath of the Bride.

One stag I was unable to attend because of work one of my Brother's and friend of his who worked at a plant that made various chemical gasses planned a good stunt. They got an inflatable woman, dressed her in fancy lingere and filled her not with helium but hydrogen ( even lighter than air then helium is ). they then tied her to the back of the pickup ( the same one as above btw ) and headed for the stag. However neither of them was a sailor, mountain climber or boy scout and the knots came undone. The last they saw of her she was about 500 feet in the air over Burlington Bay floating towards Toronto. At that particular stag there was a great deal of speculation about just were she would end up landing.

When a close co-worker of mind I managed to find a similar gift and had it filled with hydrogen via the same source. His stag was the Friday night the week before the wedding. That Monday I got a call at work from his Boss who was a mutual friend. He asked if I had given JP an inflatable sheep sex toy as a stag gift. I said you were there you know I did what's the problem?. The choice had been to point out to all present that like many of us JP was of Scots ancestry. The Bosses concern was they couldn't get him to put it down and he was managing to embarass all of them.

As I mentioned at the start. Stags are not about sex. Stags are about embarassment.

We're Not Dumb We're Just Male

A good friend on mine is engaged to a man in India. His brother recently got married. My friend eagerly waited to hear all the details. After the wedding she asked him. So he gave all the details. The male version which took almost all of 20 seconds. She complained about it to me who of course wanted to know how she got so much information out of him.

Let's face it folks men do not notice the same things the ladies do. Ask a guy fresh from a wedding ( even his own ) what kind of cake they had at the wedding. Unless he was marring another guy you will all get the same answer. "Wedding Cake". Try it ladies ask you husbands. If he gives a different answer you can be pretty sure he isn't checking out your girlfriends when your not looking.

Wedding dresses are another thing. Ask what was the Bride wearing? Without hesitation he'll tell you " A Dress". Ask the colour and you may get then one of two possible answers. They are White and It might have been white. Those questions have probably used up the mental space we set aside for noticing things at weddings.

Stags on the other hand I better leave to another article.

Women complain that they age we get dignified. I'm glad they don't say mature because every guy knows we only mature till around age 12. After that we may get older but we all know it's never too late to have a happy childhood.

A few years ago I was babysitting my brother's kid's. One day his daughter came home upset. When I asked her why she said " Why are boys so dumb?" I explained to her that there was a mathematical formula to figure out how dumb a group of boys were going to be. This got her attention but also forced me to teach algebra to a 10 year old. My explanation is pretty simple. In any group of boys count the number of boys and call this number N. Then find out how old the youngest is and call this A for age of the youngest. To figure out how mature the group will act divide N by A and you will get M or Maturity level of the group of males. This rule holds no matter how old the guys get. Just ask any married ladies you know. You do have to remember however that Y can never be greater than 12 because that is as old as guys are willing to mature in the first place.

A few months later I had to pick up my niece at school. I dropped by the office to let her principal know I was there. When I introduced myself her reply was " Oh your the uncle who understands boys". She had me there.