This is in response to a friend who is concerned about just what is located at area 51. I am of the opinion that he should not worry. Everyone knows where Area 51 is so it can’t be all that secret. It is for hide in plain sight secrets. Areas 1 to 50 are of more concern as no one knows about them. The following is my take on them.
Of necessity area one was not the first but the second top secret facility set up by Washington. It is located somewhere near the Maine, New Hampshire, and Canada border because of the wide variety of lumber in the area. It is dedicated to improvement in Presidential Dental care. Things like not getting slivers while eating. It continues to operate today. Many sciences not normally mixed have been experimented with there. One recent experiment was a complete disaster. Gene splicing was used to give a human volunteer Beaver tooth DNA. The test subject escaped and was responsible for the consumption of thousands of acres of prime forest. Army attack helicopters were needed to sanction the subject. He was posthumously awarded the top secret George W Bush medal for exceptional intelligence.
AREA NUMBER TWO
Area number two was of necessity the first top secret area ordered built by Washington. It is no longer in everyday use due to the advent of indoor plumbing. It continues to exist in secret on the White house grounds. Easily identified by the half moon carved in the door and the fact it is a two story structure the top floor for the politicians and the lower for the voters.
AREA NUMBER THREE
Somewhere in the vicinity of Pittsburgh. This area was set up by Washington to instruct government officials not to take everything literally. The example given in it’s charter was that if there is a thunderstorm raging and someone tells you to “Go fly a kite “they were using an idiom.
AREA NUMBER FOUR
Washington himself is said to have thrown a silver dollar across the Potomac River. That was a lot of money in those days. In keeping with the tradition of needlessly wasting money area number four is still active and is in fact the most active of all the governments’ secret projects. Area number four though secret has grown to be larger than the area of the United States itself with branches all over the world. New ways to waste taxpayer dollars are developed at a speed even light has yet to match.
By the time area five was set up George had passed on. However the term Washington will be continued to be used here to describe the federal government.
Area five was the first facility for the study of Aliens. Canadians, Frenchmen, Englishmen, Chinese, Even the Scots and Irish. The idea was to teach students to think like these aliens in order to communicate with them. In the early days many accidentally perished from alcohol poisoning in attempting to think like the Scots or Irish. Area five was abandoned when it was decided to leave foreign languages to those from foreign lands and replace attempting to speak their languages by SHOUTING VERY LOUD IN AMERICAN ENGLISH. Some genius had the idea this would make English easier to understand. AREA SIX
There is no area six for fears the religious right would connect it with the number 666 and raise an unholy uproar if they ever found out about it.
Area number seven may well be the most classified of all secret establishments. It is responsible for Presidential Speech writing. The area consists of an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters. This can explain some of the more unexplainable speeches made by Washington heads of state. It’s first and greatest piece of work was the Gettysburg Address. It was established to cover the words that apparently Lincoln said after waking from a five day drunk “I freed the WHAT!”
I was born 14 Jan 1954 by putting it that way I don't have to remember to update my age each year. I am retired now. I worked for the Toronto Transit Commission for 29 years. As a Subway Streetcar and Light Rail Mechanic. My last couple of years as foreman of the Subway Mechanics and Equipment Control Desk. In other words the Control tower only rather than dealing with drivers and passengers my duties were the vehicles and the mechanics who kept them running.
I also served with the Canadian Armed Forces 1st as a Cadet Instructor starting on my 18th Birthday then later as an Infantry Officer with the Lorne Scots Regiment whose Insignia is at the Top Left of these blogs.
I hope that those who read these writings takes something of use to them from the writing. At the least I hope they entertain or inform.