Some Good News

As any of you who have read my ramblings for any length of time know I suffer from Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder. In fact it forced me to retire at 51 ( which was the earliest I could have anyway ). It first hit me in 2002 and I dropped 80 pounds from 18 Feb to June 1st when I got myself committed. This was due the constant panic is similar to running full out all the time. Fight or flight response but with nothing around to make you need to fight or run. The worst attacks I would be completely stiff unable to even open my fist reach in my pocket and take an anti anxiety med. ( it for fear of having such an attack while behind the wheel I stopped driving, even though my illness is not one of the must surrender license illness ).

In the intervening years attacks have become less common as well as less severe but always when out of my comfort zone I would have at least a fair level of anxiety. At such a time I would take a med for it. Going out with someone I knew and trusted there was a good chance I could be attack free as well. From my reading this is the case in close to 75 percent of sufferers. My personal best example of this was I was out with my Dad to Walmart ( Which is only almost as scary as Ray also known as Angry American makes it out to be. In fact when he visits I think I would like to take him to a Canadian Walmart so he can see the difference. I have been to Walmarts in the states and he is not kidding in fact toning it down a bit is not an exaggeration. Canadians laugh easily and in the states we often have a hard time not laughing. Walmart should put up sign's no Canadians permitted without muzzles. When in the Walmart with Dad we got separated and after about 20 minutes I began to have an attack. I had my meds and we meet up very shortly after so no big deal

Yesterday a friend who is a casual friend we talk on the street and he is an overall nice person who has given me rides when he is going out of town as he knows it is good for my therapy offered me a ride. He was giving another friend a ride to a nearby city to buy a new guitar. I went with them. For the first time since I got sick, with no meds ahead of the trip or on it I not only had no attack but no anxiety or even apprehension. It may be the biggest single step forward since I first got sick. Doesn't mean I won't have problems next time but is a definite step forward. Thought I would share the good news. With luck within the year I will be able to travel Canada and the States and with luck a year later anywhere ( haven't figured out how to get to the moon yet, give me time ). Maybe learning Asian languages will not turn out to be such a waste after all.

What we have forgotten

Not long ago I read in a comic section of the paper about a kid with a wii ( I don't have one. I don't think I will get one though I could afford one. My dislike comes from watching older kids ( late teens ) playing tennis on the wii and thinking they are good tennis players because they get good scores in wii. Excuse me your feet never moved. Tennis players I know are beat after a game of chasing the ball all over the court. Stand in one place and you will not score a single point.

Back to the comic. The kids grandmother was saying when I was your age all we had to play with was a stick and a wooden hoop. A slight exageration then I realized. I have no idea how to made a wooden hoop. I with blacksmith tools make a metal hoop. ( yes I can remember blacksmiths though they were few and very far between. One of my classmates fathers was a blacksmith and even now the company I worked for employees two. For special jobs fabricating metal that would take way to long to contract out.

I wonder how many other simple things I never learned to do. I don't even know where to look them up. You won't find it on the net I bet and if you do won't understand the instructions.

Just a thought as I was falling to sleep that I decided to get up and blog.

Just What do the letters MD really mean

Update on the flu. Fever is gone so is lots of other things still have some sinus problems as with central heating our air is extremely dry in winter. Thanks to Stella for the nasal spray advice. Something I should have remembered. I am still waking with a whopper of a headache but sinus not migraine so I can make it go away with getting the sinus cavity clear and a simple pain killer. Like if you drop a hammer on your toe you won't notice your headache. ( joking that's a last resort and will not work for migraines. You drop the hammer on your toe and grab your head as anything makes those dreaded things worse ).

My chest has pretty much cleared. I suspect if I use a saline nasal spray at bedtime and whenever I wake in the night the headaches on waking will go and I will be able to get to the things I wanted to start as of my birthday now a week ago. ( I don't cry over spilt milk, I couldn't do anything about the bronchitis and flu. Now if it had been lost chocolate that would have been a different thing. ).

After reading Kirst's blog for a while I often feel like crying over what the medical establishment has put her through. Makes me wonder no make that certain that in some cases MD is short for Mentally Deranged. Many Doctors are arrogant but her's is the first I have heard of who seems a disciple of the Marquis de Sade.

I used a long distance card to talk to Odette yesterday. Hate to say this Odette but I think you phones are not as clear as ours. You sounded tiny. Very nice but even your voice is petite. Mind you here that is considered very attractive both in manner and looks. I'm sure being able to phone you will help me make sure I learn to pronounce your language properly. I hate sounding like a foreigner when I speak. My goal in how well I learn a language is two fold. Be able to read and write as well as a high school grad in the country whose language it is and have natives not be able to tell I am not a native on the phone. It's not hard with spoken Japanese but my French is of two kinds so I have to be there for a while for my "ear" to adjust. It also takes a few days before I am thinking in French. I can make the switch easier in Japanese. ( if someone is only thinking of learning to speak a new language Japanese if only spoken is not hard and is much more logical than western languages. At least in my view )

I also want to thank Stella for offering to help me learn Greek as soon as I finish my 1st run at Tagalog which I expect to take 2 or 3 months ( a fellow Canadian with Greek roots not to be confused with Blonde Roots. As it was my people in Braveheart it was her's in 300. If anyone wants to know what is history and what is Hollywood in either of those movies I would be glad to answer. For example the Scottish mooning the English Army and the Irish King having Edwards Irishmen change sides are both true. The romance between Wallace and the princess is not she was age 2 at the time. 300 is harder but one quick note the Spartan uniforms are accurate. Even the colour and that musical instrument you see them marching behind is a Spartan bagpipe. )

First Fever

As you all know I have been fighting some normal winter ills lately. Something which probably includes bronchitis ( any minor chest infection can do it since I worked the subway tunnels and on the dirty carbon dust from the motors ) Being a life long non smoker it is at worst an irritant that tends to make me tired. Possibly from less efficient oxygen usage. There are what get called the winter blahs on top of that. Anyone who live anywhere it snow regularly for 3 months knows what I am talking about. Even Mimi may as California has ocean dessert and mountains and mountains have snow even in summer from time to time. On top of that I have had more migraines then usual as the weather is more changeable then most winters. Mine lead a storm by almost exactly 24 hours. It isn't always a storm even a pressure drop without precipitation will do the same.

Today I feel as if I feel down a flight of stairs while suffering a migraine. For the first time I have a fever. So Tylenol and fluids ( every notice Lonely Tylenol is the same backwards and forward ) I have to go to the doctor at 5 tomorrow so unless the fever breaks I will also get checked at emergency. I have not had the flue shot only because I know you are not supposed to get it if you are suffering any other cold type illness. I have been getting the flu shot every year since they came out. Condition of employment as we worked with literally millions of people. For our protect in and theirs. A logic I agreed with. Still do. For people in jobs like that. I would normally have a day or two of feeling just slightly weak then be fine. I did once get it when I had a flu coming on and was much sicker had to take a few days off. ( if you haven't noticed I seem to be rambling ).

The young lady who helps me out has gone to pick me up some drinks. and things that are easy to make. I have a big pot of beef barley soup I started yesterday but it won't be ready till tomorrow.

I should count my blessings. At least I don't have H.A.G.S. which is short for Herpes, Aids, Gonorrhea and Syphilis. However with modern science even it has a treatment. You are given a private room and feed a special diet of pizza, pancakes, fried eggs, toast and anything else thin enough to slide under the door.

Weather is here Wish I Was Great

I haven't posted lately. Sorry but I have not been in the mood to write. I enjoy writing and am in a state that takes the enjoyment out of it. I suspect weather may be playing a part. Those of you who are Canadian or if I have any readers in Siberia will be able no doubt to relate. I'm told the weather in Ontario and Siberia is almost identical. Makes sense as both are about the same size ( huge ) and equally far north of the equator. The southern part of Ontario has the Great Lakes to moderate the weather and over 90% live within 100 miles of them. I'm part of that 90% but the lakes only tone down a Canadian winter.

It's not the cold or the snow. It's the dull days and the, sorry but I can't think of a word for it but going about outside is tedious in this weather. It is either very cold or warm and nice that melts the snow and things become wet and slushy, dirty muddy. Or the temp is just around freezing and you have to be careful not to fall. The overall effect is you really hate to go out. Our homes are warm generally cozy and we are pretty much spoiled with all the modern technology we have at our fingers.

I tend to have less severe but much longer lasting headaches at this time. I have been dealing with a low level headache for days now. It has me sensitive to light and it tends to make everyday things chores no matter what they are. You can put off most chores for a bit. Dishes can pile up. You can put off vacuuming for a day or so. Even groceries thanks to freezers and canned goods and I have to confess sending out for both pizza and Chinese in the last week. Two chores are musts. Walking the dog and the cats litter box. Running the treadmill and studying are two things I have put off for now. Running or even walking other than very slowly as when I walk the dog ramp up the headache or if it is gone for the moment bring it back. I can still read if it is something like a novel or humor. I have been reading the Darwin Awards. Got the book from the library. If you need a laugh look them up on the net. It is kept up to date and the formal Darwin awards are a result of the Internet.

So as winter drags ( we can have bursts of good weather for sometimes weeks. This year 2 good days seems the limit. The extra two minutes of daylight each day are very noticeable.

Hopefully I will shortly my brain damaged self. ( I actually have had more concussions then I care to admit ). I will be back to running studies and blogging then.

A Workout Without Opening the Box

I have been putting off buying a treadmill for ages. Mainly whenever I was somewhere that sold them and I had access to a vehicle that could carry it no model with the features I wanted was on sale. Or even at full price in stock.

Today a store at the edge of town had one on as part of it's boxing week sale had the exact one I wanted on for 399.00 it is on next week as well but for 549.00 It is normally listed at 999.00 and this is the first time I have seen it below 900.

I got it home via large cab then as my apartment is above a store had to get it upstairs. With the help of two friends and using the carrier on the wheelchair lift ( it came with the apartment. My Mom uses it rather than the stairs when she visits and when my nephew visits it takes me a half hour before he gets bored playing on it. I can't really complain I still watch cartoons )

But what a workout. I haven't opened the box yet but if I did that every day by summer I would be giving the Governor of California a run for his money. Except I got it for cardio I already have a good gym. So here come my next two resolutions. I get in condition, two get in shape. ( condition is how healthy my body is condition is how it looks ). It would also be nice to have the talking weigh scales say "one at a time please"

So now everytime I finish a run or weight workout I will look at the machine and do my Arnold imitation to it. "I'll be Back"

How can flowers have sex in this weather

I woke up this morning and aside from talking the dog with me and getting coffee. Things like working on the written things I wanted to do were out. My eyes were tearing badly usually my allergies. Took a double dose of anti-histamines to stop it ( they still itch a bit ) Normally I get this if more one of the things I'm allergic to are around. I'm going to turn up the Orick air cleaner for the day ( just thought of that but this is the first allergy event since I got it. previously I liked I could let smokers have a cigarette if next to it rather than step into the hall. Which doesn't really work as though the allergies won't act up I will smell it for days ) I expected this in the spring when the trees and flowers start their semi annual orgy. I say semi because some do it in the spring some in the fall. I test as allergic to grass too and they are exactly the same. The one so many are allergic to and usually badly ragweed ( I wonder if it got it's name because allergy irritation that bad comes close PMS in making people touchy ).

I have worked out one resolution that I am ready for and may even start early. I have a large collection of language lessons. I plan to daily ( haven't decided on my definition of daily yet, weekdays all but the sabbath or 7/365 ) listen to one lesson reviewing a language ( English won't count unless I find a bunch of those voice and diction tapes or Some kind of read along with Shakespeare. I love reading him and the Romantic era poets aloud. Tracey's Byron remark recently was funnier than she could have meant as he and Shelly are my favorites though Elizabeth Barret Browning is darn good. Anyway by one I know right now limits me to French and Japanese. I have roughly 90 half lessons of each. I also want to play one new language each day. So that is an hour per day. To start with I may concentrate on one language at a time am thinking of starting with Tagalog or Odettes national language.I have two separate sets of lessons for it. One includes written and I will start with that one so I can make notes for the one which does not include written.

My written Japanese needs work too. Japanese is not a difficult language till you hit reading and writing. I find it a logical language unlike English or French. French is a bit weird for me as I learned both Canadian and French French. To compare Canadian French has a lot of very old words as if a Frenchman were listening to someone talk in Shakespearian English plus words for newer things borrowed from English. Example the French word for gasoline is l'essense in Quebec it's la gas.

Canada belongs to two language clubs one for French speaking nations and the other for English. Both have over 100 members ( which still surprises me )

Other resolutions and how I will follow them will follow. Ray for your info few in this province speak French and almost none along your route to set your mind at ease. AS until today when it is about zero it had been hovering near -18C That is about -2 for Ray and Mimi. I have been feeling for Chet. The stores keep playing that song about roasting his nuts on a open fire.

Kick it in the Bucket List

I make my resolutions between new years and my birthday which is only 2 weeks later by which time most folks have broken every item on their lists. I don't do bad since I don't just put something down but a how to do it.

I usually last 3 months to item crossed off as done. I do some slipping after the 3 months but am not to bad at getting back on the horse.

Now that I am at middle age ( entering it I hope barely ) I also need to come up with a bucket list. A list of things to cross off before I do something so stupid it's fatal. ( That is the most common way for males to shuffle off this mortal coil isn't it. and if it isn't it probably is the most fun )

In youth we have goal list, school, job, certain attainments. I got some of mine at a ridiculously early age. Priest, Commissioned Officer, Intelligence Officer, Marksman, Mountain climbing instructor and Infantry Platoon Commander all before 21.

By 25 I had a decent set of educational qualifications and a share of adventures and was into a career which would have me retire at 51. Getting sick at roughly the same time was not part of the plan. Blowing my own first marriage which if you only get to have one love of your life was mine. However since I blew that then making my life's biggest mistake is also behind me so there is the plus in it.

So this blog is to look for suggestions. Throw in items you think should be in my bucket list ( some may have be resolutions first ) and I can decide add to list or not my thing. I had a Friend who made a comment about hating flying in helicopters. I said I liked it. Then he added he really felt sick after landing to which I answered I don't know I've never been in one that landed. I've jumped out, rappelled out and rolled out into platoon formation but not with them touching the ground. So going on an ordinary helicopter ride would not appeal to me. Perhaps as part of a date it may be neat. To ride in a chopper in a tux instead of combat gear would be nice. but no matter how easy, hard, time consuming or stupid throw in your ideas.

Damn still sick

Slept through the business part of the day have slight headache, congestion back but not nearly as bad and the race for the bathroom. Hopefully it's just me finally kicking the last of it.

Why this blog seems late

First as many may have guessed I have been slightly sick. Sinus and Chest Congestion mostly but with anything that affects breathing when trying to be witty you only get half way there.

Second just before midnight a friend and reader comment ted are you leaving it at 99 posts this year. As the number 99 has certain meaning for me this is what I wrote her.

99 is a special number in many ways in my life. My Grandfather was one of he original 99's when the subway opened in 1954, I was a subway 99 for many years and also an SRT 99 I ended my time with the TTC as a 199 ( as you may have guessed from this a 99 is a subway or srt emergency mechanic. I streetcars we were called emergency men and went by the number of our trucks I usually worked truck 51 but you could describe yourself as a 99 easier all the drivers, police, fire etc knew what it meant ) It's a good number of articles to end the year on. Btw the whatever was making me congested is gone today.


And to another about living across from a bar

I hope I get to the blog today. As you may have guessed I have been a bit sick lately nothing serious probably bronchitis and I woke fine yesterday. I left the number of articles what it was and I will explain why in the next article if it is today or tomorrow. The other part is why I'm so beat today. I live literally across the street from a bar. I feel asleep watching a movie about 7:30 woke about an hour later and was awake all night. First the merry making from the bar. I don't object to that just wish small town bars wouldn't hire a group based on whose parents hate really each other just got divorced so each would get their drinking age but immature child a drum set.. I thought I knew zero about music. I wish to amend that to close to zero. Add know drums are a preclusion instrument which means you hit them does not mean hitting them is playing them. As the sun came up it was still loud and there were a couple ambulances there. No police, I don't blame them I imagine they were stretched to thing. People where still yelling each other's names. For some reason the now believed everyone had changed their name to Hugh. That is because they could only seem to yell "Hey Hugh". Perhaps to drunk to yell You.

I feeling a bit better, my first couple of trips were to get water. As I get more in my system I'm feeling less weak and the pounding headache is almost gone. Don't be surprised if I cut and paste this into the blog. Along with another response to a friend. I was going to have new years dinner with friends but have slept just slightly too long. Perhaps a good thing I know I need to get more water into me. Glad I don't drink in general and had nothing last night. I think I've shaken the illness just need to get healed from it's having me so worn down. I have been sick with congestion since just before the start of DEC. I look on the fact I'm feeling good relatively as a positive thing. I also had some dreams last night where I was young and healthy again. Another good sign as a big part of them was looking for goals and future plans.


Now that I think about it Maybe Bagpipe licensing would be a good idea. Except where would you find a cop tough enough to enforce it. Few SAS units perhaps Tracey?

Christmass Depression

I don't normally get depressed around Christmas. This year I am. I was to go to a lunch at the center today and had even made arragements for someone to make sure I was up it. They made 1 call to my cell which being in my shirt pocket didn't wake me. I woke about 5 and the regular phone had no problem getting two more calls. It had been by my head and the person who was to wake me does have a key.

I was quite upset at missing the dinner especially since I had done my best to make sure I would be able to go. I am seriously considering rethinking this friendship as in the last month it has cost me over $500. Trying to make sure she and her estranged daughter had a good Xmas. As a result I'm a bit behind on some bills.

I was invited to a dinner today now I guess. However since I can't count on being awake on time ( Medications, I don't sleep normal hours or wake easily ). I phoned the family who were out and as politely as I could explained I can't be sure I would wake in time for the 2pm dinner ( it's also about a mile walk we have no public transportation here and I think the few Taxis in town are off tomrrow..

I spent today fasting and will do the same tomorrow. I know Christmas isn't a normal time to fast but maybe I will get some kind of inspiration on just what to do.

I thought I was getting better but this is another slip back. Seems I now have a mild case of social anxiety on top of the other things. I'm on the verge of giving up hope and just arranging to live without going out at all. That means getting rid of both the cat and the dog. I am allergic to the cat and the dog has a bit pain along with the blindness. After close to 8 years now maybe it is time to quit trying to get better and hope for a miracle and just learn to live with the illness.

Going for a Record

I was just thinking and if this congestion that keeps getting the odd migraine thrown in goes on 2 more days it will be the record for being sick without going to hospital. Be it on my own, by ambulance, or after slipping into a coma.

Thing is I am not terribly sick. It's congestion, sinus and the odd migraine. Migraines that if not for the other would be taken care of by ibuprofen or tylenol 1.

The combination is what's wicked. This part will interest stella. For the first time sound caused me to cry from pain. Light had done it plenty of times. Most migraine sufferers can't take bright light. The Olympic torch went literally past my door yesterday or the day before. The cheers were loud enough I was in tears. I had thought at the time ( being sick has me sleeping very odd hours and a friend is taking out the dog making sure he and the cat are feed etc. So I thought the Santa Clause parade had been re-routed )

I'm invited to an X-mas dinner and some friends have asked me to join their family dinner on X-mas. The last time I was over to take something over because the husband was sick ( I can't remember with what but something prevented him walking or driving think it may have been a sprained ankle. His grandkids and son or son and law were there. I visited about a half hour and as I was leaving heard him say to his wife " that man is welcome anytime" and to the rest, Now that is how a gentleman behaves you can all learn from him ). The next time I saw the wife downtown she told me the story and apparently it made an impression because he had never used a person as an example before."

Funny how doing something that is nothing to you can come back to you multiplied in good ways. I've done one other minor favor for the family in the past year and have got a phone call every day since I first got sick with many expressions of hope you can make Xmas dinner.

Assuming I'm well in the next couple of days it brings me to what I what I wish to say. I had to be reminded ( almost have the whole story explained ) to recall the events. It goes with what to me is part of Karma. If you do something and take credit for it are you doing it for them or you. If you do something nice and five minutes later have forgotten about it and won't think of it again unless pushed to then you have done something selfless. From my point of view only the selfless acts count as good deeds or gook karma.

I don't worry about heaven or hell because I personally believe no matter what happens ( if anything in case if it's nothing who cares )that we will be judged fairly and as a result will get exactly what we deserve. So good or Evil, Saint or Sinner we earned it and when all is said and done. We get what should be coming to us.

Good Gnus Bad Gnus

The bad news first. Yesterday about 6pm my time I got hit with the worst migraine I have had in years, decades actually possibly 3 of them. It hit very sudden and unlike the effecting everything hit only my head ( right side as almost all ) made me extremely light sensitive and felt like a screwdriver eye. Not the kind with vodka either.

I could not sleep and finally took a double dose of anxiety meds on top of my strongest pain killers at 8am. I only woke an hour ago a few minutes after all the stores closed and walked the poor dog who had been in 22 hours. Naturally he didn't complain.

The Good news is the headache is now a dull remembrance and I will see what the weather does in an hour. As I had planned on getting some groceries I did get coffee and mint flavored hot chocolate. The rest of the eve I will be eating bachelor food. Hot dogs without buns. Steaks without vegetable pasta with mustard cause I don't ever buy enough meat or tomato sauce for the amount of pasta I buy Ramen and other guy stuff.

Unless the light sensitivity comes back I should be in ear shoot of my email announcer. So I can return email quickly.

Other wise keep up that weight loss plan by laughing your asses off.

PS in the next politically correct version of the Bible Samson will be killing Philistines with the Jaw bone of a Politician.

How to Use this Blog to Spot Reduce Your Rear

I have had lots of people comment that they have to be careful not to drink not liquids if reading my blog. Apparently keyboards don't like being spewed all over by laughter. However they say laughter is the best medicine. So what I am recommending is going back when bored and depressed and reading my dumbest articles.

In email the most comment is LMAO. So why not put that to good use. Reduce butt size by laughing it off. The Useless information diet. Laugh your ass off with just one read a day. Not to be used while drinking liquid unless you have a nose water proof keyboard.

Now I have to figure out how to work on other body parts. Also remember only a plastic surgeon can get away with picking someone else's nose.

Still Fighting the Congestion

I'm sure I have a graphic of someone sick. Unfortunately I have many more graphics that are just plain sick.

I suspect the cold meds combine with my regular meds to form stupid pills. At least they make me feel more stupid then normal. The combination could possibly be marketed as a means for women to find out what it feels like to think like a man. If they can figure out how to make a strong enough dose without being fatal. After all they figure females are roughly 10,000 years more evolved then males ( this last sentence is not a joke but I forget the source of the estimate, I do know it has something to do with handling pain and healing )

Old skills are all no problem but trying to help a friend with a new cell was a major problem. Maybe the problem is I'm not a teenager. I also normally read manuals cover to cover before doing anything. They aren't packing manuals with things anymore because people don't or can't read them. So I found the manual on the net and downloaded it. Awkward way of doing things but It has some advantages I can see. ( reading 110 pages is not something teens are keen to do ) one of the advantages is it makes the mp3 player part of the phone more idiot proof. You can't erase a song by accident. At least the file is a PDF so I can put it on a CD or DVD for her. Likely though the easiest way to do something is get me to do it. Faster than explaining things written in GEEK that I can speak Greek is still on my list of things to learn.

The Side Effects of Earning a LIving

Right now I have a chest and sinus cold. As often happens when I get even slightly sick by body switches back to thinking it's on shift work. Of my 29 years with the TTC 24 were on either night or afternoon shift. ( shifts don't rotate there ). So now my AM & PM as far as my body is concerned are more Odette's on the other side of the globe than my own.

In other words tonight I am more likely to answer an email right away rather than not till what is normally morning for me. Some friends are helping with minor errands like dog walking and trips to the drug store. I my self am watching old Elvis Presley movies. I don't know if the 1st movie I saw was Bambi or Love Me Tender. Since Elvis wasn't in Bambi I'm watching Love Me Tender. I also promised my mom a copy.

The title song is very romantic. Unless I try to sing it. Even without a cold my singing it would cause Dracula to drive a stake into his own heart rather than listen to the noise. You now one more way to kill a vampire have Sid try to sing it love songs. Mom is more diplomatic than Drac would be. She say's "Sidney I love you but shut up". I think mothers love their sons to prevent them drowning us at birth.

Over a Year of Wasting Electrons

Hard to believe but the day I wrote about the Magic show ( I still and probably never will remember it clearly ) was a year since I started wasting electrons with my my Ramblings. They have been fun, they have helped me meet interesting new people all over the globe. I have learned about all kinds of interesting subjects. Some terribly sad some nice. I have had the chance to say all kinds of stupid things. In the unlikely event I have ever said anything intelligent. Please tell me. I will do my best not to do it again.

To Odette I thank you for getting me into this and am sorry ready my idea of the perfect eulogy made you spit your coffee all over the keyboard. I should have some kind of warning that if something I write and it seems intelligent and sensible get ready for a punch line.

To Tracey thank you for increasing my vocabulary. Pillock and Prat are now firmly embedded therein.

To Kirst thanks for filling me in on so much about a part of the world we think we know but don't have the slightest idea about. Also for being a good friend when needed.

Also thanks to the rest of you for being educational. I still intend to complete that book though it has me running in several directions. I find to do what I wish I need to reference many more sources than I thought. The overall arrangement is more complicated then I would have dreamed as I am trying to do one that will be useful world wide. Mimi greatly expanded what I need to do for an area of the book just by mentioning earthquakes. ( it also brought up several areas I never mentioned but would be needed ). Seems the only disaster I can think of I know of no way to prepare for before or after is a Volcano. However the skills I intend to include would be useful just any wrath of God disaster is more difficult and that is one I can only think normal survival skills can't touch. If you can survive it and get to a safe distance then I can help. Even with the getting to a safe distance.

So thank you all.

I didn't mention R.S the A.A as I think he is right now working extremely deep cover with James Bond

Christmas questions

1. Have you started your Christmas shopping?

I used to be done by Labor day. The first Monday in September. This year I’m not really getting the chance to do any shopping. We have one small department store in town so unless you want everyone to get duplicates of every gift you need to travel to one of the cities around us. They average about 40 miles away and I don’t drive anymore. This year I was able to make one trip but time was limited and I am going to end up giving family cash. With this economy it’s probably a better choice anyway.

2. Tell me about one of your special traditions.

I normally had to work Christmas so I have none. Out of 29 years with the same company I had 4 Christmases off. We got it off if Christmas fell on our normal day off.

3. Are you a Black Friday shopper?

Black Friday is strictly a US thing. I wish we had something like it here. I was in Connecticut once on black Friday by chance and it was great. Here Boxing day the day after Xmas the sales start. Originally when people had one winter coat on dress coat etc. They would get often get a new one for Xmas. Boxing Day the last year’s ones if still good would be boxed up and donated to groups for the poor.

4. When do you put up your tree?

I no longer put up a tree since the dog is now blind. The cat having his own indoor toilet is bad enough.

5. Do you travel at Christmas or stay home?

I usually now spend Christmas home alone.

6. What is your funniest Christmas memory?

The year I gave my brother a game of bathroom battleship. It is meant to teach adult men to hit the bowl. My family is almost all male and even with a few thousand targets to sink by peeing at them they were all used by the end of the day.

7. What is your favorite Christmas movie of all time?

Top 5 are Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Home Alone, Home Alone 2 Lost in New York and Batman Returns.

8. Do you do your own Christmas baking, what’s your favorite treat?

I don’t bake but I love shortbread.

9. Fake or Real Tree?

Don’t dare have either the dog only knows only how to real pee.

10. What day (as a mom) does the actual panic set in to get it all done?

Last few years my Mom has been to ill for anything special for Xmas.

11. Are you still wrapping presents on Christmas Eve?

Normally I’m done shopping in September. Often I’m more surprised then the gift opener because I forgot what I had bought them.

12. What is your favorite family fun time at Christmas?

Believe it or not the four brothers trying to out insult each other. Next to that which of us has the best true funny story. Last year my brother won hands down when 2 soldiers just returned from the middle east had been hunting on his property the week before thanksgiving. Hoping to surprise their families with Wild turkey. Good thing he was there as they had shot Turkey Vultures instead of turkeys.

13. What Christmas craft do you like the best?

I do crafts all year long. I guess what I like best is if one of my brothers gives me a new electronics project the more difficult the better.

14. Christmas music. Yes or No, and if yes what is your favorite song?

I may be warped but I love Weird Al Yankovich’s Christmas parody songs.

15. When do you plan to finish all your shopping?

I plan to start next years shopping the day after Christmas.

Minor Changes

The center I go to was to have a trip today it had to cancel. One of the staff members left rumour has it to go to a better job. In my view a darn good reason for changing jobs. I don't believe there are any more trips till after January. Most are short of funds in January and the holidays can be tiring for many.

I wish her all the best in whatever position she is now working in.

The Magic Show

First I almost did not go.

We all meet at the center to wait for the bus and within a minute of my getting there two people started to argue loudly. After perhaps a minute of this I stood and loud enough to drown them out. "Excuse me I didn't come to watch people fighting. I will not be able to attend under these circumstances. Please excuse me." I opened the door and left. I had to take a med to stop an oncoming panic attack as soon as I got home then the phone rang. Apparently as soon as I left the rest of the group let into the two of them and came close to throwing them out. This has been an on going problem and no one ever stood up to it before. As such fighting is strictly against the rules they came close to being banned. ( Also apparently I don't know if I am popular but I am very respected there ). The phone rang and I was asked to come back. I did as you can tell from the picture. I think it was a very good show but I can recall very little of it as having to take the panic meds on top of cold meds my memory of it is very poor. Normally something like that I would recall perfectly. I didn't get home till midnight and only just woke. The dog must have sensed I was not well and had not tried to wake me. I took him out for a quick pee ( it's very windy and well below zero ) I hope he's ok till morning.

I don't think getting me in the cage was hard. As for getting out. I had skipped lunch.

PS: No Tracey I only have a drink on 11 Nov, if the there is a toast to the queen at a formal dinner or at a wedding and at a wedding one glass will last for all the toasts as I only touch the drink to my lips.

Thunderclaps and Puppy Dogs

Okay at almost 11 and being a rescued dog Rocky may not fit the normal definition of Puppy. However people who meet him for the first time think he is a puppy because he has a great attitude to people. ( his only real bad habit is barks if you stop petting him, typical male ). He never was afraid of thunderclaps, they aren't the worst kind of clap that honor goes to one of King Lear's daughter's who was so evil they named a social disease after her. ( If anyone can twist a classical education I can, those who have read the play I bet a light just went on ). Rocky was never afraid of thunder. Not even when he went blind. Just a little while ago a quirk of timing changed that for the moment. As I was bringing him in from his walk and about to take off his lead. ( He has this need one for night with flashing led's ) thunder shook the whole building. I had to let him run up the stairs then unclip him upstairs. He is now in his room. ( Before he went blind he decided he wanted a room and dragged everything out of the bottom of my bedroom closet. He lets me hang clothes if they aren't long but it is his room ). Currently he is trading barks for thunderclaps. Don't know if Rocky or Zeus will win but bet Rocky is the more stubborn of the two.

As for mentioning an STD scientists have decided the old standbys and even HIV or AIDS are not the most difficult to live with. They have decided the hardest STD to live with is kids. ( all in humor of course )

Achmed the Telepathic Rooster

As many of you know I am on the sick side right now with bad congestion chest and sinus. In fact getting up ( in complete darkness when I have a reading light beside the bed duh ) I tripped over the now empty vaporizer, hand outstreched to break my fall hit the sock, pyjama etc drawer, my body twisted and the dresser fell on me. 3 lessons, turn on the darn light, close open drawers and don't put things like a vaporizer directly in my path out of the room.

Last night I was having some trouble keeping hydrated. Whenever I woke I forced myself ( and I had to force it I did not want to drink swallowing is not pleasant at the moment ). However if I had not I am sure I would be much worse today instead of slightly better. Especially my sinus area. I could almost feel it re-hydrating.

Thats not what todays blog is about. I woke perhaps five times in the night which let me keep forcing myself to drink water. Also I woke from a recurring dream. Each time I woke it was from dreaming a rooster was crowing good morning. My mom has chickens but no rooster. The only rooster I know of is Achmed. When he was sick we all tried to help him as much as we could. I know there is more to animals than we give them credit. ( and less to us than we take credit for ). My guess is he was trying to help me because I tried to help him. May be total hogwash but I'm giving him credit the slight improvement I feel. Amy and Steve are about 5,000 miles away so that is one powerful bird. So Steve your pet isn't Psycho he's Psychic. Thank him for me please

The Trip

Ok as I said the trip went well.

The photos I took after some point didn't take. Possible after I changed the batteries I need to play with the camera some more to get used to it. I did get a new card reader so X off one early Xmas gift to myself. I also got myself a new 7 slot usb hub on sale dirt cheap.

Weather is more typical December now very cold. No snow yet. I woke up sneezing like crazy. Cat must of slept on my chest again.

My friend Rick, this will say it made the paralympic team I think I sent all of you the link to the news article but basically it says he made the team.

We have a shopping trip with the group on the 4th and a dinner Magic show on DEC 10 here is the link www.GregFrewin.Theatre.com we will be in the Platinum seats so it should be good unless the Tigers eat someone. In my youth the danger would have been my brothers or Army buddies trying to eat the Tigers.

I hope those trips have better weather so I can guage anxiety better yesterday I was unable to tell if any manifested as part of the migraine. Aside from messing with my sleep pattern and lasting a long time it was not bad. I've stopped sneezing before I had time to take any anti-histamine so that much is good. It is just darn cold outside so I am going to do my Bear imitation and hibernate.

Some Positive News With Regards My Illness

For once I have had a couple positive things happen as far as my illness goes happen back to back to back. In the hopes that good news happening to one of us may rub off on the other I am going to tell of it here.

As many of you know I have Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.

The more I learn about how common it is the more amazed I am.

I have just joined a group for folks with various mental illness. The big advantage for me is they travel a few times a month and the complete lack of being able to travel has for the past while been a brick wall as far as the progression of my therapy and improvement possibilities go.

I have learned a bit more about it and find having abuse in childhood makes it more likely. My moving and peer abuse my be a factor plus for a time my Mom was abusive. I have forgiven her and now even know what brought about the change in her personality that caused her to become abusive for a time. Unfortunately it was about 10 years.

However the being able to travel is good news. Now for some more. When things get even slightly bad sleep patterns get poor for me and there is a bit of a snowball effect. I speak like I write. Or to put it bluntly the kind of things you see me write ( down to the wisecracks and bits of totally useless knowledge that led me to give the blog it's name ). While at the shrink's I happened to mention I wished L-Tryptophen the natural chemical found in turkey that makes you so sleepy after a turkey dinner had been pulled from the market 20 years ago after a contaminated batch killed some people in the states. He commented it wasn't pulled they just moved it to being an Rx and wrote me an Rx for it right away. There has never been any bad effects attributed to it as it was the contamination that had done the poisoning. It has even had some good results in conjunction with other meds in treating a number of illness including mine. He apologized for not thinking of it himself. It isn't a popular drug and the pharmacy even had to special order it in for me but I think at least one aspect of a problem with my illness will now be a thing of the past. And without the calories of a big turkey dinner.

Third came as I was discussing whether my level of concern over something outside my control going on in my life was warranted. He made a point I am surprised I haven't heard before considering the length of time I have been being treated for this. He commented that in many cases of illness in the anxiety family it is not a particular event that triggers the anxiety but that the anxiety is there waiting and when something happens it latches onto some event to blame. Knowing this may help me avoid over reacting to things and thus help keep the general level manageable.

I don't know if any of this will help any of you but even if it doesn't maybe some of the good luck will rub off. One of the first events with the group is a shopping trip to a nearby city so I may be able to pick up some gifts for some of you. As Tracey knows with postal speeds you may be lucky to have them for next Xmas. The next is to a High End Professional Magic Show at Niagara Falls. I promise to my camera. I don't know if shots of the show will be allowed but we will be going by the lit up falls at night so those may be nice. It's a dinner show and one of the tricks is making Tigers disappear. Hopefully not via the dinner plates. Now I've done it. I'm going to spend the next week wondering what Tiger would taste like. I have already had alligator and octopus. I like both of those. As my Grandmother used to say she would rather have the experience than die wondering.

Hey Ray get you get a chance to look at any of the manual I sent you?

An update and a promise

As many of you know I haven't been as emotionally secure of late as normal. Just letting you know I'm getting back to normal ( for me in case one of my brothers reads this and dies laughing at the thought of me being considered normal ). ( I guess that would go for my Army Buddies, School Chums, co-workers ok no one who really knows me has ever called me normal. Even my Mom will say while your back to normal then qualify it with "for you". My Dad is different however he has his own form of being Sid. I have seen where I was with a group of friends in a Legion a bad fight broke out. People were flying as someone came at the table he would just happen to pick up his beer for a sip. Body over the table no pause in conversation. Even seen one of my brothers have to get up to throw someone out. Later ask Dad and he goes "What Fight?"

It's just that he always seems completely serene and at peace with the universe. Sort of a Buddha who doesn't give a crap.

Anyway I probably won't be doing much joking ( see how long that can last ). I do want to get to work on that survival book in Ernest. Ray has unwittingly been making me think about it. He asked some honest questions not about the coming book but about things that happened while I was getting the skills I plan to write about. Or about things that happened to those were with me when I was learning them or used some of the past on ones. ( He mainly asked about something my youngest brother was involved with that had 13 to 18 year old cadets rolling on the ground laughing at a platoon of US Marines when the two groups went on a survival course )

I will include a how this skill collection came to be ( it was 3 winters in the making and there were 5 of us playing human Guinea pig on ourselves )

I also would like all of you that can think of them to think of worst case situations for your area. For Odette I'm going to include things that relate to tropical weather related disaster. I would like to know of things for other places that should be prepared for like Mimi in California. There they are encouraged to have emergency gear in their garage for earthquakes. I would like to address things like what if your garage is one of the things the earthquake didn't give a damn about.

Point out things such as while a way of getting to know what general direction is north is it will be the side of trees with the most Moss. However that will be south for Kirst and Fi. Moss grows highest where it gets the least sun so in their case that is South. How to use a watch as a compass. ( One reason even if you prefer digital time you should have a watch with hands. Even if you only use them when lost and wear a dual display watch.

So Questions are welcome. Also I want to do at least a couple of chapters of Thought exercises. People who did not survive and what they could have done so they did. ( please leave out hit by large falling objects unless they camped in a rock slide area that's just natural selection. I do have a friend who last I had heard had been hit by lightning his fourth time and I think the record is surviving 27 hits held for years by a US forest ranger. He lost all his hair after I think his 5th and unfortunately just before due to retire the 28th hit prevented that.

I am ok retirement wise so I won't be doing this for money but posterity. So anyone who wants just ask and as I write the chapters I will email you them to look over. Not all will apply to everyone. Also I would appreciate feedback, are things to deep to simple or do I leave out things obvious to me. Or is the situation in your part of the world different enough to warrant some extra information needed.

When done I will put the book where the whole thing can be downloaded or you can pick chapters. One of my own pet peeves with survival books is size and weight. So I like the idea of print and take the chapters you need.

So I hope to get to work on a book that will have to do until the Professor on Gilligan's Island, Star Trek's Mr Spock and MacGyver get together to write the perfect book on it may just have to do.

This is probably my second last Blog

About a year ago at the suggestion of a friend I began blogging.

For a long time it was very enjoyable.

However lately old wounds long healed have been reopened by friends trying to help but were in reality picking at healed scabs until they were bleeding badly.

I am also at the same time having some problems closer to home. For example I expect I will never see my grand daughter ( She will be two this week and I have not met her ) and now my daughter is expecting again I doubt she will be able to finish college as a result. It is almost impossible to train to become an auto mechanic if you are expecting ).

There are other things closer to home. Both parents are ill and all of my brothers are having economic problems. Which me who is retired and on a disability and really can't help anymore than I have. All of this has led to some worsening of my health and my self esteem has taken a real beating. I am really at the limit of anything more I can do to help.

So I will leave what is on the blog for a couple of weeks in the event anyone for any reason wishes to keep copies of anything I may have wrote then taking it down.

Thank you too all of you for the support you have given during this past year.

What is it people want?

It's just over 3 weeks now since I put up the personals ad. So far not a single response. It's not like it's a small group either they have over 4 million members. I don't think I ever really knew what women looked for in men. ( though I saw many go with guys who everyone said they should have known better ).

I doubt romance is the answer. On yahoo answers I am the number one contributor for valentines day. More than 100 answers ahead of the second place contributor. Go ahead and look it up. I think it's society and culture/holidays/valentines day.

I know the great romantic poets and can recall both Shakespeare or the Bible without trouble.

I have a sense of humor of sorts.

I didn't mention my income as I certainly hope that is not relevant.

My not driving may be a drawback but the fact I don't drink should ease fears of me being a drunk.

Maybe I just need to get back to being happy being in solitude. It does however make me feel like I must be the bottom of the barrel.

My deep thought for the day

1. You can pick your friends

2. You can pick your nose

3. You can't pick your friend's nose

4. Unless you also happen to be his plastic surgeon.

You May Have Guessed

As some of you may have guessed from my absence from the computer and short replies when I have been here I haven't been too well lately. Nothing like what Kirst or Amy go through. Most of my life I have been alone. Looking at it as solitude rather than loneliness has been one of my coping mechanisms. Last week a friend with all the best of intentions expressed concern over my always being alone. I explained that I regarded it as solitude rather than loneliness but the subject remained the same. I'm sure each of us has coping mechanisms. Kirst and Amy for pain Odette for the economics of raising her boys etc. That night however I found things had turned to loneliness and I haven't been able to change it back. The loneliness led to depression and basically for the past several days with the exception of taking the dog out for his business I have not got out of bed. I haven't read, can't sit through a TV show or DVD. I tried watching Macgyver but ended up having to renew the loan from the library. I got through a total of two episodes.

A friend took me out of town today as he knows I need to try to get out as therapy. He was going to a music store. I didn't have an attack but my watch monitors my heart rate and it didn't drop below 140. I didn't take my bp cuff with me so I don't know what that went to and that was on my medication. Much as I hate to do it with the current flu panic going on I am going to have to make a DR's appt asap.

I did try to do something about the loneliness. I took out an Internet dating ad. So far five days no response and the few ladies I sent messages to ( being careful to be polite ) I did not get replies. This is kind of snowballing the loneliness thing. I hope I can back to not considering myself lonely but the last few days I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

Let's face it I'm no catch. I am 55 years old, I'm retired, I'm no Ladies man in looks or charisma or whatever it is that appeals to the ladies. I no longer drive and live in a very small town where everything and everywhere one would like to go for a date is at least 75 miles away. I can't see myself going to get a license again until at least next summer. Even if I do I have no where to park a vehicle and would have to come up with the funds to buy one. Insure it etc. Even taking the test is a major problem as it can't be taken in this town and I would need not only a car but someone to drive to the test site with me. Mind you if after driving everything from motorcycles to locomotives if I can't pass a simple driving test I don't deserve to have a license.

So ladies any advice? Or should I just tough it out till my way of looking at things manages to change back ( if it can ). btw I haven't been on any kind of a date for close to 4 years now.

Been a bit

Sorry I haven't posted anything in several days. My allergies are driving me up a wall and on top of that I was rubbing my eyes so much I broke the arm off my glasses. Fortunately they were covered by warranty. It wasn't just me both drug stores in town ran out of eye drops. For some reason they weren't working very well either.

So I've been watching the series Heroes and reruns of MacGyver. My brother and I used to complain that most of his gadgets wouldn't work because something was missing and we would point out what was missing. Then TV Guide did a story on the series and mentioned that things were deliberately left out so kids wouldn't be able to do the stunts he did. Of course those who knew George and I generally all stated that we were "scary smart" after the article ran. As Einstein said " A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, so is a lot"

Hope all of you are doing well.